The breakup that didn't break me

This month I had my first meaningful breakup since my divorce and boy did it hurt but by God did I learn ..... But first some important back story.

Seventeen months ago I realized I needed a complete spiritual makeover.  I'd always been known as strong,  resilient, and a pull myself  up by my bootstraps kind of woman, but I was broken. I was so very very broken.  I was told I needed recovery,  I thought “recovery from what? I'm awesome” I couldn't see it because I'd taken everything and buried it so deep.  

I'm not going to go into my whole story but after escaping a rollercoaster marriage of love,  abuse,  infidelity on both sides I thought I was free.  I wasn't. My soul although a believer in Christ was clinging to all that hurt,  betrayal,  and self disappointment.  My friendships and dating afterwards reflected that, I deserved less and could never really let people in because they had the capability of doing two things.  

1. Seeing the fraud I was.  I wasn't the happy go lucky person I portrayed.  I was stained and tattered.  
2. They would have the capability to hurt me.  

In October 2016 I began a hurts recovery program. I desperately wanted it over with so I dove in deep.  I dug and dug to pull my issues to the surface and admit them to another person.  This changed me,  because this woman who heard everything, my mistakes,  sins against others,  the deep rooted issues of my past,  she still loved me.  Heck I think Megan loved me more,  which I recognize now as actually loving me and if she,  a mere human,  could love me knowing all that,  how much did my God love me.  She now knew who I really was and so did I.This started the rebuilding process.  

I took a vow of celibacy on October 5th 2016. I told my story in front of others.  I did everything my walls and heartbreak had kept me from.  I also decided to take a year off dating while I worked on me, began a singles group at church and kept building relationships that were based on this new real me.

I learned how to love others by speaking truth into their hearts,  by just listening,  and by serving them.  I've read many books of being a Christian single,  read blogs,  wrote blogs,  started meeting with my amazing mentor,  and getting as deeply involved in my church as I could.  I was reading my scriptures and listening for God's word. My children saw these changes and we all saw them reflected in our relationships both with each other and with God. I tell you these things not to brag but to set up the next part of this story.  I was content being single but felt ready if God brought a God fearing man into my life. My faith was on fire and I was ready to chase Jesus alongside a man who loved both Christ and me.  

Fast forward to October 2017, I was researching for my “How online dating broke me” blog and this man messaged me online and he spoke Jesus to me.  Ironic isn't it, finding him while bashing online dating.  On paper he was great, he marked off 90% of my check marks but we had not met so who knew what would happen.  But then we met and it felt so right. We had so much chemistry,  he made me laugh,  he loved Jesus,  he got my single parent struggles, he made it known I was beautiful inside and out,  astonishingly he respected and agreed with my vow that I'd made for celibacy.  I was on a cloud,  this kind of man did exist in the divorced dating world.

Then the dating really began.  The ugly,  messy dating of two busy people with kids, jobs and church obligations but we communicated through it.  I spoke to my mentor and my close friends to get perspective and encouraged him to do the same.  This man was a great man but he hadn't dated in this way in a very long time, the issues we crossed were often associated with this ie time balance,  commitment keeping,  that sort of thing.  He was always reflective when we discussed these turbulences and i loved that he'd call me on my crap.  

What crap you might ask?

I mean I read the books,  talked with Jesus on the daily,  had worked through so many of my issues in 3 sessions of recovery,  heck I lead a group on this.  Well,  again it came back to #2 in my past of letting people in, they could hurt me.  I wasn't being vulnerable,  I wasn't being open.  Well in late January it came to light all the ideas and plans we had might be in jeopardy as he was offered a job that would keep him from making the move that would make our relationship easier.  At first i was distant about it,  it was his life after all.  But then i admitted to my mentor that, that was because of fear and she encouraged me to be honest so I talked to him.  I told him where I thought we were going and how that job impacted that.  I told him how much I cared about him,  his kids,  his heart.  I took the risk knowing he could hurt me.  It was so hard and so scary but he thanked me for that vulnerability you could sense how much that out of character act meant to him.

“I love yous” were exchanged soon after with complete sincerity,  I loved that man even with this dark cloud hanging over our heads and I started showing it.  I've always been bad at complimenting in relationships because it's another form of vulnerability but I started complimenting him and loving on him. I started putting him before me. I spoke the truth I'd spoken into others so often into him.   

However,  strangely after that is when it all started going astray.  He realized he didn't like my compliments because his self esteem was actually low.  He realized that he had demons from his past that he hadn't dealt with,  he realized that he had boundary issues with family members.  He became unhappy.  The end started on February 8th when he revealed to me his entire torrid past, now know that this past didn't affect my opinions of him because I knew who he'd become but it affected him.  He realized he wasn't ready, he still had work to do. On February 13th I wrote him saying that I knew he wasn't happy and that if he needed to be alone it would hurt a lot but that I wanted the best for him plus other words of what I felt was happening.  We spoke later that day and he confirmed my empathic perceptions and we broke up.  Although I'd known for days it was coming,  my heart broke.  I'd risked,  I'd loved with no safety net and had fallen to the ground.  

But let me tell you a side story. The night before I had a face on the floor moment with God.  

I was too dependent on this man,  I'd been buried in the possibilities of the end in those 5 days and turned my face/ faith from God for those 5 days,  it doesn't sound like a long time,  but it was the severity of the situation.  I was in a moment of severe vulnerability and possible heart wrenching pain, and instead of looking up at Him I was looking to him for answers.  I was going back 17 months,  letting my worth and happiness be determined by anything other than God.  So that night before the breakup I prayed that God would protect my heart, i asked for forgiveness for losing sight of Him,  and for the strength to let Joey, and all the hopes,  dreams and desires he represented go.  

I'm. Recovering.  This is part of that recovery.

How did this rebuild me you might ask? I loved again.  I trusted again.  I opened parts of my heart, told truths, placed a man's happiness above my own,   that a romantic partner hadn't seen in 9 years. I realized that I'm whole, that my completion was never in this relationship it was on God and that just enhanced the relationship.

I'm single again,  but I'm not alone even when I'm by myself.  

Thank you Joey for your honesty even though it hurt us both,  thank you for pushing me to be vulnerable.  I wish you nothing but God's best.

Side Note

For me , next time, that 90% of the checklist will be 100%. Please don't date if you haven't faced your demons.  #1 On my list was always a man who had been through some form of recover and I will not be swayed on that in the future